Dear Uncle Nev
You have been gone 12 years today....so much has happened in the last 12 years....so very much.
I guess I could tell you about it all but it would take too long! So this is what I want you to know...
You would be very proud of your girls and you should know they are happy and loved. They have partners that love them and make them happy. They have beautiful children, that I know you would have adorded and spoiled. You maybe surprised by some of things along the path the girls lives have taken but I know you would have loved and supported them no matter what. So you should be happy to know they are doing well, of course they have their ups and downs but your girls are beautiful, loving, caring and bring lots of joy to people in their lives.
Today I imagined what it would be like if you were still here. I imagined you playing with your grandkids, I imagined sitting down and having beers with you and it made me happy to think about you being there and us all having fun and laughing together. I thought about your smile and your laugh and I miss them.
I wish you could see my daughter...I am sure you would be amazed at how much she is like me and I am sure it would feel like a case of devu to see her and be around her.
Anyway I miss you and so I am having a beer in memory of you!
Love your singing nun :P
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
2012 is going to be a busy year!
So this year is going to be a busy one! I have started uni and I will be going to Hollywood in July this year, to compete at the World Performing Arts Championships in the over 30's Singing session.
I also need to fund raise to go but seeing as my time is limited, I am hoping that online fundraising, some raffles and a karaoke fundraiser will be enough to fund raise what I need to go. Basically I need to raise at least $7000 and so far I have raised a nearly $700 which is awesome but still a long way to go and I go to Hollywood on the 30th of June, so it's making me a bit nervous about fundraising the money in time.
So if anyone can donate you can donate online at: http://www.sponsume.com/project/help-monique-compete-hollywood
Or contact me at: niquebottch@bigpond.com
If I got 700 people to donate $10 each, I would have enough to go, so if people can give I would greatly appreciate it :)
If you can't give money but can give of donation of goods to raffle, time, anything that would be really helpful to me as well.
Thanks to everyone who has given so far, I really so thankful for all of you :)
I also need to fund raise to go but seeing as my time is limited, I am hoping that online fundraising, some raffles and a karaoke fundraiser will be enough to fund raise what I need to go. Basically I need to raise at least $7000 and so far I have raised a nearly $700 which is awesome but still a long way to go and I go to Hollywood on the 30th of June, so it's making me a bit nervous about fundraising the money in time.
So if anyone can donate you can donate online at: http://www.sponsume.com/project/help-monique-compete-hollywood
Or contact me at: niquebottch@bigpond.com
If I got 700 people to donate $10 each, I would have enough to go, so if people can give I would greatly appreciate it :)
If you can't give money but can give of donation of goods to raffle, time, anything that would be really helpful to me as well.
Thanks to everyone who has given so far, I really so thankful for all of you :)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
A weighty issue
So I think it's pretty obvious to people who see me that I am not a thin person but I have felt a lot better about my weight this year. I have lost over 12 kilos in a year and kept that off for another year and that's a pretty big accomplishment for me, to keep weight off. I can lose weight easily if I diet but it's the keeping it off that I find difficult so I am proud of myself that I have managed to keep it off.
I know that my weight will be something I battle with my whole life and yet this week I literally threw my scales in the bin...why you may ask because lately I have been eating better and exercising and every time I feel good and can feel positive changes in my body, I then weight myself and get down on myself because the changes aren't showing on the scales. So I thought screw the scales, I will go on how my clothes fit and how I feel. I have been putting on and losing weight for over a decade now so I don't need a scale to tell me when I have put on weight, I can tell without a scale, I can feel it!
I have a friend of mine doing personal training for me and it's been going great and as much as I am sore from it, I feel so good from doing it. She was actually glad I threw out my scales. But my biggest issue to do with my weight is food. I love eating and I love eating too much of the things that make you not thin lol So I know that is the part I will struggle with all my life. I do try to eat healthy the majority of the time but I do fail at times and I also have an issue with emotional eating. These aren't excuses, it's just me being honest.
So I know even though I will always be striving to be healthy and fit, I will never be thin, not what society calls thin anyway. I really just want to be healthy and feel good within myself and to feel good in the clothes I wear. I have started to feel better about myself and hopefully it won't be too long to where I feel great about the way I look and confident in myself no matter what size I am.
It also doesn't worry me to write at this time I am a size 16, which I know is considered big but seeing as I use to be 18 to 20, size 16 feels pretty good compared to that. I am working towards getting to a size 14, and really going to try and get to that in the next year. There is no point in me aiming for something unrealistically like size 8 as to get to that I would basically not eat and that ain't never gonna happen lol Plus I could never give up chocolate completely.
A lot of people don't know I have had weight issues the majority of life, yes even when I was "thin". At school I was thin but that's because I exercised like a crazy person and didn't eat much. There were times I would skip meals and times I would punish myself if I thought I had eaten too much but exercising for hours afterwards. This is of course is not healthy for your body either. Ironically I thought I was fat in high school and yet when I look at the photos now I think oh my gosh how could I not realise how great I looked. It was because I thought I was so fat back then that I skipped meals and exercised like a crazy person and that is also the reason I have had problems with my knees since I was 15 and still continue to this day.
So there you have it a bit about my continued weight battle.
I know that my weight will be something I battle with my whole life and yet this week I literally threw my scales in the bin...why you may ask because lately I have been eating better and exercising and every time I feel good and can feel positive changes in my body, I then weight myself and get down on myself because the changes aren't showing on the scales. So I thought screw the scales, I will go on how my clothes fit and how I feel. I have been putting on and losing weight for over a decade now so I don't need a scale to tell me when I have put on weight, I can tell without a scale, I can feel it!
I have a friend of mine doing personal training for me and it's been going great and as much as I am sore from it, I feel so good from doing it. She was actually glad I threw out my scales. But my biggest issue to do with my weight is food. I love eating and I love eating too much of the things that make you not thin lol So I know that is the part I will struggle with all my life. I do try to eat healthy the majority of the time but I do fail at times and I also have an issue with emotional eating. These aren't excuses, it's just me being honest.
So I know even though I will always be striving to be healthy and fit, I will never be thin, not what society calls thin anyway. I really just want to be healthy and feel good within myself and to feel good in the clothes I wear. I have started to feel better about myself and hopefully it won't be too long to where I feel great about the way I look and confident in myself no matter what size I am.
It also doesn't worry me to write at this time I am a size 16, which I know is considered big but seeing as I use to be 18 to 20, size 16 feels pretty good compared to that. I am working towards getting to a size 14, and really going to try and get to that in the next year. There is no point in me aiming for something unrealistically like size 8 as to get to that I would basically not eat and that ain't never gonna happen lol Plus I could never give up chocolate completely.
A lot of people don't know I have had weight issues the majority of life, yes even when I was "thin". At school I was thin but that's because I exercised like a crazy person and didn't eat much. There were times I would skip meals and times I would punish myself if I thought I had eaten too much but exercising for hours afterwards. This is of course is not healthy for your body either. Ironically I thought I was fat in high school and yet when I look at the photos now I think oh my gosh how could I not realise how great I looked. It was because I thought I was so fat back then that I skipped meals and exercised like a crazy person and that is also the reason I have had problems with my knees since I was 15 and still continue to this day.
So there you have it a bit about my continued weight battle.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I still hate October....
So I still hate October even after all these years. At the start is my grandma's birthday (yesterday) in heaven who I miss so much and at the end if my first baby son William's birthday in heaven, who I miss so much. When I went to a psychologist she said I get anniversary grief in October and I was like "Can you get it for the whole month"? Which apparentently you can. And because of other crap in my life in the last few months because of a pathetic excuse for a man, I am already emotional....
So if I seem even more emotional this month, irrational, moody, bitchy...now you know why! So I apologise in advance if I cannot be "too kind and too nice Monique" this month.
After the last jerk ex I may just have been put off men for life! So sick of their bullshit! So maybe I will just CHOOSE to stay single for the rest of my life! Unless of course Hugh Jackman ever comes knocking on my door lol
My tolerlance for men and their bullshit is at an all time low and I feel like "bitch Monique" is quite present at the moment but probably mainly just to protect myself from any other lying, using and pathetic arseholes from trying to get their foot in my life! It's ain't gonna happen, I am so done!
I am grateful for all the love I have in my life though, thankful for my kids, family and friends. Grateful that no matter what there are always reasons to smile and laugh.....but I still hate October!
So if I seem even more emotional this month, irrational, moody, bitchy...now you know why! So I apologise in advance if I cannot be "too kind and too nice Monique" this month.
After the last jerk ex I may just have been put off men for life! So sick of their bullshit! So maybe I will just CHOOSE to stay single for the rest of my life! Unless of course Hugh Jackman ever comes knocking on my door lol
My tolerlance for men and their bullshit is at an all time low and I feel like "bitch Monique" is quite present at the moment but probably mainly just to protect myself from any other lying, using and pathetic arseholes from trying to get their foot in my life! It's ain't gonna happen, I am so done!
I am grateful for all the love I have in my life though, thankful for my kids, family and friends. Grateful that no matter what there are always reasons to smile and laugh.....but I still hate October!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Closure is a funny thing....
So with all the news about Daniel Morcombe again this week, there has been a lot said about the Morcombe family finally getting closure. All this talk about closure always makes me feel...well....annoyed, because I don't think the media or society get it really.
I mean I can't speak for the Morcombe family, I can only speak for myself but for me when I heard the reports my heart went out to the family as I thought this will probably bring another wave of grief not closure. Let's face it court cases take a long time and then there is nothing to say this man will be found guilty. So even if they find Daniel, they will still have to live through the court case and whatever happens with that.
For me closure is a funny thing, it seems like society thinks of closure as something that just happens one day and that suddenly makes you all ok again after tragedy and loss.....and that makes no sense at all to me.
That closure means it is finished when lets face it, if you have a child die do you really think that one day you as a parent will think it's ok that they died and that will never bother you ever again...I mean seriously?
It's like the people who ask if you have got over it yet? (your baby/child dying) like that is something you can just get over....from my own experience it wasn't something I got over. I got through my grief, I walked through it, crawled through it, sometimes sat in a bawling mess through it. Taking things a day at a time, sometimes an hour, sometimes a minute. There were times it hurt so much I just wanted to die myself....but I made it through.
In truth time does help, in time the pain does lessen, in time you learn to smile and laugh again. It's hard work grieving and trying to find a way to get on with your life with a hole in your heart.
For me it's nearly 11 years down the track. Yes I am happy and yes I am living my life and I have two beautiful children who make life worth living.
The thing is the rational mind and the heart are two totally different things and two totally conflicting things in my experience. You can know something that is rational in your mind but the heart can have so much trouble accepting it. So even now out of the blue things can still feel like a knife in my heart when it comes to the loss of my baby son William. I can tell myself rationally that it's been a long time since I have lost him, that I have done hard work through my loss and I am now happy and living my life....but my heart still misses him and wishes he could still be here and I don't think that will ever go away and I am ok with that.
So does that mean I don't have closure....I think I have had closure it's just not society's definition of closure. I believe I have done well moving forward and living my life. But if by closure I am suppose to think it's ok that my son died and not feel sad about that ever again...well you can stick that closure up where the sun don't shine and I will stick to my verison as it's much easier to live with.
Anyway that's just some of my thoughts for today....
I mean I can't speak for the Morcombe family, I can only speak for myself but for me when I heard the reports my heart went out to the family as I thought this will probably bring another wave of grief not closure. Let's face it court cases take a long time and then there is nothing to say this man will be found guilty. So even if they find Daniel, they will still have to live through the court case and whatever happens with that.
For me closure is a funny thing, it seems like society thinks of closure as something that just happens one day and that suddenly makes you all ok again after tragedy and loss.....and that makes no sense at all to me.
That closure means it is finished when lets face it, if you have a child die do you really think that one day you as a parent will think it's ok that they died and that will never bother you ever again...I mean seriously?
It's like the people who ask if you have got over it yet? (your baby/child dying) like that is something you can just get over....from my own experience it wasn't something I got over. I got through my grief, I walked through it, crawled through it, sometimes sat in a bawling mess through it. Taking things a day at a time, sometimes an hour, sometimes a minute. There were times it hurt so much I just wanted to die myself....but I made it through.
In truth time does help, in time the pain does lessen, in time you learn to smile and laugh again. It's hard work grieving and trying to find a way to get on with your life with a hole in your heart.
For me it's nearly 11 years down the track. Yes I am happy and yes I am living my life and I have two beautiful children who make life worth living.
The thing is the rational mind and the heart are two totally different things and two totally conflicting things in my experience. You can know something that is rational in your mind but the heart can have so much trouble accepting it. So even now out of the blue things can still feel like a knife in my heart when it comes to the loss of my baby son William. I can tell myself rationally that it's been a long time since I have lost him, that I have done hard work through my loss and I am now happy and living my life....but my heart still misses him and wishes he could still be here and I don't think that will ever go away and I am ok with that.
So does that mean I don't have closure....I think I have had closure it's just not society's definition of closure. I believe I have done well moving forward and living my life. But if by closure I am suppose to think it's ok that my son died and not feel sad about that ever again...well you can stick that closure up where the sun don't shine and I will stick to my verison as it's much easier to live with.
Anyway that's just some of my thoughts for today....
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Today I am thankful for my friends
I realised something today, something good! I actually have quite a few friends at the moment, you know the in real life type friends not just facebook ones lol
It wasn't that many years ago where I felt like I literally had no real friends and boy was it lonely and a hard time. I know that over the years things have happened like friends moving away and I know I withdrew from most of my friends when Jack was little and I didn't know what was going on with him and so never knew what was going to set off a meltdown or behaviour. Thankfully he was diagnosed with Aspergers and could get early intervention and support and so he keeps on improving but he will always have Aspergers and have challenges, especially when it comes to social interaction.
Then of course my marriage break down happened and that was a really lonely and hard time for me. Thank God for my sister Sally and her partner Beth, without them both I seriously don't know how I will have made it through that time. The amount of time I rang Sal in tears because I was so lonely.
So I decided I needed to do something about it. I started by making friends with one of the other mum's at school. We are still friends and she is such a lovely lady. Her and her husband have been so great to me and my kids. They are really great with Jack and he loves them. It was nice to make friends with her too as she knew no one else in my life, so I knew I could totally trust her with things I said without her running to someone else and saying what I have said and that's has been a breath of fresh air in my life.
I have made a few more friends over the past couple of years. I am really grateful for them to. When I say friends, I mean the type you can ring and text, the type you go and do stuff with, like go to the movies, go out, go on playdates with your kids.
As lovely as facebook friends are, in real life friends that you can actually do stuff with are just awesome!
I have met some friends through karaoke that I am getting to know better and that has been great. Makes me love karaoke even more lol
I am actually quite a shy person and so making friends isn't something that comes easy to me, so it's great I have been able to and having the courage to put myself out there.
So even though I have been feeling a bit down about things at the moment and life can feel so complicated and messy, it's makes everything not feel so bad, knowing I have good friends who love me and support me and I love them and try and support them to.
It wasn't that many years ago where I felt like I literally had no real friends and boy was it lonely and a hard time. I know that over the years things have happened like friends moving away and I know I withdrew from most of my friends when Jack was little and I didn't know what was going on with him and so never knew what was going to set off a meltdown or behaviour. Thankfully he was diagnosed with Aspergers and could get early intervention and support and so he keeps on improving but he will always have Aspergers and have challenges, especially when it comes to social interaction.
Then of course my marriage break down happened and that was a really lonely and hard time for me. Thank God for my sister Sally and her partner Beth, without them both I seriously don't know how I will have made it through that time. The amount of time I rang Sal in tears because I was so lonely.
So I decided I needed to do something about it. I started by making friends with one of the other mum's at school. We are still friends and she is such a lovely lady. Her and her husband have been so great to me and my kids. They are really great with Jack and he loves them. It was nice to make friends with her too as she knew no one else in my life, so I knew I could totally trust her with things I said without her running to someone else and saying what I have said and that's has been a breath of fresh air in my life.
I have made a few more friends over the past couple of years. I am really grateful for them to. When I say friends, I mean the type you can ring and text, the type you go and do stuff with, like go to the movies, go out, go on playdates with your kids.
As lovely as facebook friends are, in real life friends that you can actually do stuff with are just awesome!
I have met some friends through karaoke that I am getting to know better and that has been great. Makes me love karaoke even more lol
I am actually quite a shy person and so making friends isn't something that comes easy to me, so it's great I have been able to and having the courage to put myself out there.
So even though I have been feeling a bit down about things at the moment and life can feel so complicated and messy, it's makes everything not feel so bad, knowing I have good friends who love me and support me and I love them and try and support them to.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
What do women want? Well I know what I want!
I haven't written in my blog for a while so thought I should write something....
Well what's been going on? I was happily single and then met someone when I wasn't even looking and it was nice for a little while but it didn't last so that's the end of that story...so single again and gone back to just living my life and focusing on my kids and I.
Because I discovered this year I really don't "need" a man but it would be nice to want one to share my life with but after this last experience I really don't know when that's going to happen again. I am trying not to close my heart off but it's hard when I am open and let people into my life only to have my honesty and openness thrown in my face and not appreciated.
See I am honest about the person I am and what I want but apparently a lot of men don't seem to like that, they just want some pathetic doormat who says yes sir no sir or some bullshit like that. Oh they say they want you to be honest with them but when it comes to the crunch and you actually are...they treat you like you are a bitch.
Anyone who really knows me knows the majority of the time I am a nice person, and I hate hurting people's feelings but I have got to the point I know what I want from a relationship and I won't settle for bad treatment.
So what do I want you ask? I want someone who treats me with respect and is nice to me, someone who doesn't expect things of me that they aren't willing to do them self. (Double standards really make me cranky). Someone who doesn't want to borrow money off me all the time (do I look like a bank to you! lol. Someone who likes me for me and accepts me for me and doesn't want me to change into some step ford wife. I want to be loved (of course I don't expect this from day one, as I know love takes time), I want to be cared about and thought about and thought of. I want to be listened to. I am not materialistic but I love being given flowers and you can buy bunches of them for $10....really $10 isn't much is it lol Oh and I want to be taken out on dates to the movies, to lunch etc (And I don't expect the man to pay all the time, we can both pay, or maybe he pays one time, I pay the next etc)
I am a really giving person and I love giving but not if I feel I am being used, abused, taken for granted or not appreciated. When I am in a relationship I give everything I possibly can to the other person (and of course I am a single mum so my kids come first) I think about them and worry about them. I care about them, I listen to them, I want to love them. Because I am already a single mother and that's exhausting, I can find being in a relationship exhausting because I give as much as I possibly can and all I want is the person to give in return. An equal relationship where we both give, both care for each other, both are there for each other etc I don't believe this is to much to ask for and if a man thinks it is, then he is not the man for me. I figure if a man is really into me he will want to give to me as well and be there for me to but heck maybe I am just crazy.
The hopeful part in me thinks that someone out there is the right person for me....but who the heck knows where or when I will meet them. So I am not going to sit around waiting for them, I am just going to keep on living my life.
I know real love takes time, and it's nothing like those romantic movies (yes as much I would love Hugh Jackman to come and sweep me off my feet, unfortunately he is married already...sigh). I don't expect perfection because goodness knows I am a flawed person myself, with my own quirks and baggage just like every other person in the world.
I just figure it will be two imperfect people but that we will be perfect for each other. There will be good and bad times but we will love each other enough to make it through them.
So even though I am going back to not looking for a man and even though I feel like putting a wall up...I know I can't do that. So my heart will remain open and I will keep being myself. In my heart I can't help but believe one day, some day there will be the person to share my life and heart with because I can't have all this love in my heart just waiting to be given to someone for nothing.
Well what's been going on? I was happily single and then met someone when I wasn't even looking and it was nice for a little while but it didn't last so that's the end of that story...so single again and gone back to just living my life and focusing on my kids and I.
Because I discovered this year I really don't "need" a man but it would be nice to want one to share my life with but after this last experience I really don't know when that's going to happen again. I am trying not to close my heart off but it's hard when I am open and let people into my life only to have my honesty and openness thrown in my face and not appreciated.
See I am honest about the person I am and what I want but apparently a lot of men don't seem to like that, they just want some pathetic doormat who says yes sir no sir or some bullshit like that. Oh they say they want you to be honest with them but when it comes to the crunch and you actually are...they treat you like you are a bitch.
Anyone who really knows me knows the majority of the time I am a nice person, and I hate hurting people's feelings but I have got to the point I know what I want from a relationship and I won't settle for bad treatment.
So what do I want you ask? I want someone who treats me with respect and is nice to me, someone who doesn't expect things of me that they aren't willing to do them self. (Double standards really make me cranky). Someone who doesn't want to borrow money off me all the time (do I look like a bank to you! lol. Someone who likes me for me and accepts me for me and doesn't want me to change into some step ford wife. I want to be loved (of course I don't expect this from day one, as I know love takes time), I want to be cared about and thought about and thought of. I want to be listened to. I am not materialistic but I love being given flowers and you can buy bunches of them for $10....really $10 isn't much is it lol Oh and I want to be taken out on dates to the movies, to lunch etc (And I don't expect the man to pay all the time, we can both pay, or maybe he pays one time, I pay the next etc)
I am a really giving person and I love giving but not if I feel I am being used, abused, taken for granted or not appreciated. When I am in a relationship I give everything I possibly can to the other person (and of course I am a single mum so my kids come first) I think about them and worry about them. I care about them, I listen to them, I want to love them. Because I am already a single mother and that's exhausting, I can find being in a relationship exhausting because I give as much as I possibly can and all I want is the person to give in return. An equal relationship where we both give, both care for each other, both are there for each other etc I don't believe this is to much to ask for and if a man thinks it is, then he is not the man for me. I figure if a man is really into me he will want to give to me as well and be there for me to but heck maybe I am just crazy.
The hopeful part in me thinks that someone out there is the right person for me....but who the heck knows where or when I will meet them. So I am not going to sit around waiting for them, I am just going to keep on living my life.
I know real love takes time, and it's nothing like those romantic movies (yes as much I would love Hugh Jackman to come and sweep me off my feet, unfortunately he is married already...sigh). I don't expect perfection because goodness knows I am a flawed person myself, with my own quirks and baggage just like every other person in the world.
I just figure it will be two imperfect people but that we will be perfect for each other. There will be good and bad times but we will love each other enough to make it through them.
So even though I am going back to not looking for a man and even though I feel like putting a wall up...I know I can't do that. So my heart will remain open and I will keep being myself. In my heart I can't help but believe one day, some day there will be the person to share my life and heart with because I can't have all this love in my heart just waiting to be given to someone for nothing.
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