There is always a but.......

So life is good! I moved house a month or so ago and love living in the new place :) This year has been busy and good and challenging as life always is.

The thing that is getting to me is that life is good but there are still things that haunt me..past things and I guess with some of those things I just can't talk to people about them anymore as I am pretty sure everyone is sick of hearing about some things but I am someone who processes things slowly....when it comes to emotional things and I guess that's why I talk about things for a lot and for a long time....

But I get that can be annoying to people, they don't want to hear the same stuff over and over and can't post it on facebook a million times either lol

So instead I am writing songs about my issues. Now I can't say they will be good songs, they could be complete shit but I figure as long as they help me then who cares if they are crap. I will still share them on youtube and you never know if I write a million songs, one might end up being good.

Music and singing having always been a kind of therapy to me and now I am using songwriting as therapy too.

Sometimes too it's easy to write songs about some things then to actually talk about them as well. Hoping maybe this may put some issues to bed...oh well worth a shot!

My trip to America

As many people know I went to America in July :) I was selected to be a competitor for team Australia at the World Performing Arts Championships in Hollywood :)

It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life! I will treasure the experience for the rest of my life and hold dear all the memories I made over there.

I met some truly lovely and interesting people on Team Australia and I really hope to keep in contact and hopefully when possible catch up in person.

The weather was beautiful when I was over there and I got to fulfil a childhood dream of going to Disneyland and it was everything I imagined it would be.

I ended up winning a bronze medal for my performance of "When you Believe" in the Broadway/Musical section. I was so excited and overwhelmed when I heard my name called saying I had won a bronze medal. There is something really special about winning a medal for your country.

Team Australia was filled with so much talent and great people. I had an especially great room mate in Ray-Lee, it felt like I was having sleep overs with a younger sister and I loved my talks with Ray-Lee and all the laughs we had.

For me going to America by myself to compete in a World Competition was such a huge thing for me. I am a shy person and to also be away from my children for a bit over 2 weeks was a huge challenge for me and I am so proud of myself for being brave enough to audition and then go when selected.

It's hard to find all the words to try and convey to others how awesome the experience was for me and I am really thankful I was able to go and sing for my country.

I had so much fun with my team mates and times when we laughed so much my face hurt lol

I was there for a bit over 2 weeks but it felt like I had been there for months and I admit I feel like when I came home I did feel different from the experience. I am still me of course but I feel after this I really want to do more singing and performing. I do love singing and would just love to be able to do it more regularly. I felt like I wanted more from life and it's ok for me to want more, to want to sing more regulary.

This was such a special experience for me and I miss my team Australia team mates, they made the experience even more awesome!

Dear you who shall not be named!

I have decided I have to stop hating you...because I realised I do/did hate you, it is the only thing that makes sense of why you would still be in my head after all that you did to me and the fact that when I see you (which is hardly ever thank God!) all I feel is disgust and loathing!(You are so stupid you would probably think the reason I don't look at you is because I am scared of you but no is because I don't want to throw up from all the disgust that I feel, you literally make me sick!) But it has to stop because it's bringing bitterness into my life and I don't want that in my life. I have been through so much heartache in my life and not allowed those experiences to keep me bitter, so there is no way in hell I will your bitterness rub on me!

I have decided to forgive you, not because you deserve it because really you don't (seeing as you don't acknowledge or apologise for what you did wrong) but because I deserve to stop letting this weigh on me and my heart. I deserve to be able to let all these bad feelings go. See forgiviness is about letting myself off the hook and letting go, it's doesn't say it's ok what you did (because it's not) but I need to forgive you, for me!

So just for one last time I will say everything like : You are a complusive liar, a cheater, a gambling addict, a cold hearted, self centred, using, fat bastard! You hurt me a lot and I was so very angry at you for that but it's time for me to let it all go. I also need to forgive myself for letting you into my life but at least now I know you trust my instincts when it comes to people, as you proved my first instincts right!

You see life is great for me, it's not perfect but I have a man who loves me, I have my beautiful kids, my friends and family. I have my singing and going to America this year and I am studying at uni. So see my life is just too busy to be wasting my time or breath on ANY thoughts or words of you.

You didn't deserve me at all and if one day you actually grow a heart I am sure you will see what you did wrong but since you have a victim mentality, I know you don't realise what you did wrong, as everything is always someone else's fault, never your's but that is all your issue now and not mine.

I thought you broke me but it didn't take me long to realise you didn't break me at least not in a bad way. Something in me broke, something good. Because of you I know that I deserve better and I will never let another man treat the way you did or others did in my life. You were the straw who broke the camels back, after having men treat me badly and with disrespect throughout my life, I will no longer put up with it. I would rather be alone the rest of my life, then ever left a man think he can treat me badly. Now it's you treat me with respect and how I deserve or you will be gone! So thank you, as the experience of you has made me even stronger than I was before.

So I don't hate you anymore and I forgive you for all you did to me. Goodbye and good riddance!

Dear Uncle Nev

Dear Uncle Nev

You have been gone 12 years today....so much has happened in the last 12 years....so very much.

I guess I could tell you about it all but it would take too long! So this is what I want you to know...

You would be very proud of your girls and you should know they are happy and loved. They have partners that love them and make them happy. They have beautiful children, that I know you would have adorded and spoiled. You maybe surprised by some of things along the path the girls lives have taken but I know you would have loved and supported them no matter what. So you should be happy to know they are doing well, of course they have their ups and downs but your girls are beautiful, loving, caring and bring lots of joy to people in their lives.

Today I imagined what it would be like if you were still here. I imagined you playing with your grandkids, I imagined sitting down and having beers with you and it made me happy to think about you being there and us all having fun and laughing together. I thought about your smile and your laugh and I miss them.

I wish you could see my daughter...I am sure you would be amazed at how much she is like me and I am sure it would feel like a case of devu to see her and be around her.

Anyway I miss you and so I am having a beer in memory of you!

Love your singing nun :P

2012 is going to be a busy year!

So this year is going to be a busy one! I have started uni and I will be going to Hollywood in July this year, to compete at the World Performing Arts Championships in the over 30's Singing session.

I also need to fund raise to go but seeing as my time is limited, I am hoping that online fundraising, some raffles and a karaoke fundraiser will be enough to fund raise what I need to go. Basically I need to raise at least $7000 and so far I have raised a nearly $700 which is awesome but still a long way to go and I go to Hollywood on the 30th of June, so it's making me a bit nervous about fundraising the money in time.

So if anyone can donate you can donate online at: http://www.sponsume.com/project/help-monique-compete-hollywood

Or contact me at: niquebottch@bigpond.com

If I got 700 people to donate $10 each, I would have enough to go, so if people can give I would greatly appreciate it :)

If you can't give money but can give of donation of goods to raffle, time, anything that would be really helpful to me as well.

Thanks to everyone who has given so far, I really so thankful for all of you :)

A weighty issue

So I think it's pretty obvious to people who see me that I am not a thin person but I have felt a lot better about my weight this year. I have lost over 12 kilos in a year and kept that off for another year and that's a pretty big accomplishment for me, to keep weight off. I can lose weight easily if I diet but it's the keeping it off that I find difficult so I am proud of myself that I have managed to keep it off.

I know that my weight will be something I battle with my whole life and yet this week I literally threw my scales in the bin...why you may ask because lately I have been eating better and exercising and every time I feel good and can feel positive changes in my body, I then weight myself and get down on myself because the changes aren't showing on the scales. So I thought screw the scales, I will go on how my clothes fit and how I feel. I have been putting on and losing weight for over a decade now so I don't need a scale to tell me when I have put on weight, I can tell without a scale, I can feel it!

I have a friend of mine doing personal training for me and it's been going great and as much as I am sore from it, I feel so good from doing it. She was actually glad I threw out my scales. But my biggest issue to do with my weight is food. I love eating and I love eating too much of the things that make you not thin lol So I know that is the part I will struggle with all my life. I do try to eat healthy the majority of the time but I do fail at times and I also have an issue with emotional eating. These aren't excuses, it's just me being honest.

So I know even though I will always be striving to be healthy and fit, I will never be thin, not what society calls thin anyway. I really just want to be healthy and feel good within myself and to feel good in the clothes I wear. I have started to feel better about myself and hopefully it won't be too long to where I feel great about the way I look and confident in myself no matter what size I am.

It also doesn't worry me to write at this time I am a size 16, which I know is considered big but seeing as I use to be 18 to 20, size 16 feels pretty good compared to that. I am working towards getting to a size 14, and really going to try and get to that in the next year. There is no point in me aiming for something unrealistically like size 8 as to get to that I would basically not eat and that ain't never gonna happen lol Plus I could never give up chocolate completely.

A lot of people don't know I have had weight issues the majority of life, yes even when I was "thin". At school I was thin but that's because I exercised like a crazy person and didn't eat much. There were times I would skip meals and times I would punish myself if I thought I had eaten too much but exercising for hours afterwards. This is of course is not healthy for your body either. Ironically I thought I was fat in high school and yet when I look at the photos now I think oh my gosh how could I not realise how great I looked. It was because I thought I was so fat back then that I skipped meals and exercised like a crazy person and that is also the reason I have had problems with my knees since I was 15 and still continue to this day.

So there you have it a bit about my continued weight battle.

I still hate October....

So I still hate October even after all these years. At the start is my grandma's birthday (yesterday) in heaven who I miss so much and at the end if my first baby son William's birthday in heaven, who I miss so much. When I went to a psychologist she said I get anniversary grief in October and I was like "Can you get it for the whole month"? Which apparentently you can. And because of other crap in my life in the last few months because of a pathetic excuse for a man, I am already emotional....

So if I seem even more emotional this month, irrational, moody, bitchy...now you know why! So I apologise in advance if I cannot be "too kind and too nice Monique" this month.

After the last jerk ex I may just have been put off men for life! So sick of their bullshit! So maybe I will just CHOOSE to stay single for the rest of my life! Unless of course Hugh Jackman ever comes knocking on my door lol

My tolerlance for men and their bullshit is at an all time low and I feel like "bitch Monique" is quite present at the moment but probably mainly just to protect myself from any other lying, using and pathetic arseholes from trying to get their foot in my life! It's ain't gonna happen, I am so done!

I am grateful for all the love I have in my life though, thankful for my kids, family and friends. Grateful that no matter what there are always reasons to smile and laugh.....but I still hate October!