A weighty issue

So I think it's pretty obvious to people who see me that I am not a thin person but I have felt a lot better about my weight this year. I have lost over 12 kilos in a year and kept that off for another year and that's a pretty big accomplishment for me, to keep weight off. I can lose weight easily if I diet but it's the keeping it off that I find difficult so I am proud of myself that I have managed to keep it off.

I know that my weight will be something I battle with my whole life and yet this week I literally threw my scales in the bin...why you may ask because lately I have been eating better and exercising and every time I feel good and can feel positive changes in my body, I then weight myself and get down on myself because the changes aren't showing on the scales. So I thought screw the scales, I will go on how my clothes fit and how I feel. I have been putting on and losing weight for over a decade now so I don't need a scale to tell me when I have put on weight, I can tell without a scale, I can feel it!

I have a friend of mine doing personal training for me and it's been going great and as much as I am sore from it, I feel so good from doing it. She was actually glad I threw out my scales. But my biggest issue to do with my weight is food. I love eating and I love eating too much of the things that make you not thin lol So I know that is the part I will struggle with all my life. I do try to eat healthy the majority of the time but I do fail at times and I also have an issue with emotional eating. These aren't excuses, it's just me being honest.

So I know even though I will always be striving to be healthy and fit, I will never be thin, not what society calls thin anyway. I really just want to be healthy and feel good within myself and to feel good in the clothes I wear. I have started to feel better about myself and hopefully it won't be too long to where I feel great about the way I look and confident in myself no matter what size I am.

It also doesn't worry me to write at this time I am a size 16, which I know is considered big but seeing as I use to be 18 to 20, size 16 feels pretty good compared to that. I am working towards getting to a size 14, and really going to try and get to that in the next year. There is no point in me aiming for something unrealistically like size 8 as to get to that I would basically not eat and that ain't never gonna happen lol Plus I could never give up chocolate completely.

A lot of people don't know I have had weight issues the majority of life, yes even when I was "thin". At school I was thin but that's because I exercised like a crazy person and didn't eat much. There were times I would skip meals and times I would punish myself if I thought I had eaten too much but exercising for hours afterwards. This is of course is not healthy for your body either. Ironically I thought I was fat in high school and yet when I look at the photos now I think oh my gosh how could I not realise how great I looked. It was because I thought I was so fat back then that I skipped meals and exercised like a crazy person and that is also the reason I have had problems with my knees since I was 15 and still continue to this day.

So there you have it a bit about my continued weight battle.

I still hate October....

So I still hate October even after all these years. At the start is my grandma's birthday (yesterday) in heaven who I miss so much and at the end if my first baby son William's birthday in heaven, who I miss so much. When I went to a psychologist she said I get anniversary grief in October and I was like "Can you get it for the whole month"? Which apparentently you can. And because of other crap in my life in the last few months because of a pathetic excuse for a man, I am already emotional....

So if I seem even more emotional this month, irrational, moody, bitchy...now you know why! So I apologise in advance if I cannot be "too kind and too nice Monique" this month.

After the last jerk ex I may just have been put off men for life! So sick of their bullshit! So maybe I will just CHOOSE to stay single for the rest of my life! Unless of course Hugh Jackman ever comes knocking on my door lol

My tolerlance for men and their bullshit is at an all time low and I feel like "bitch Monique" is quite present at the moment but probably mainly just to protect myself from any other lying, using and pathetic arseholes from trying to get their foot in my life! It's ain't gonna happen, I am so done!

I am grateful for all the love I have in my life though, thankful for my kids, family and friends. Grateful that no matter what there are always reasons to smile and laugh.....but I still hate October!

Closure is a funny thing....

So with all the news about Daniel Morcombe again this week, there has been a lot said about the Morcombe family finally getting closure. All this talk about closure always makes me feel...well....annoyed, because I don't think the media or society get it really.

I mean I can't speak for the Morcombe family, I can only speak for myself but for me when I heard the reports my heart went out to the family as I thought this will probably bring another wave of grief not closure. Let's face it court cases take a long time and then there is nothing to say this man will be found guilty. So even if they find Daniel, they will still have to live through the court case and whatever happens with that.

For me closure is a funny thing, it seems like society thinks of closure as something that just happens one day and that suddenly makes you all ok again after tragedy and loss.....and that makes no sense at all to me.

That closure means it is finished when lets face it, if you have a child die do you really think that one day you as a parent will think it's ok that they died and that will never bother you ever again...I mean seriously?

It's like the people who ask if you have got over it yet? (your baby/child dying) like that is something you can just get over....from my own experience it wasn't something I got over. I got through my grief, I walked through it, crawled through it, sometimes sat in a bawling mess through it. Taking things a day at a time, sometimes an hour, sometimes a minute. There were times it hurt so much I just wanted to die myself....but I made it through.

In truth time does help, in time the pain does lessen, in time you learn to smile and laugh again. It's hard work grieving and trying to find a way to get on with your life with a hole in your heart.

For me it's nearly 11 years down the track. Yes I am happy and yes I am living my life and I have two beautiful children who make life worth living.

The thing is the rational mind and the heart are two totally different things and two totally conflicting things in my experience. You can know something that is rational in your mind but the heart can have so much trouble accepting it. So even now out of the blue things can still feel like a knife in my heart when it comes to the loss of my baby son William. I can tell myself rationally that it's been a long time since I have lost him, that I have done hard work through my loss and I am now happy and living my life....but my heart still misses him and wishes he could still be here and I don't think that will ever go away and I am ok with that.

So does that mean I don't have closure....I think I have had closure it's just not society's definition of closure. I believe I have done well moving forward and living my life. But if by closure I am suppose to think it's ok that my son died and not feel sad about that ever again...well you can stick that closure up where the sun don't shine and I will stick to my verison as it's much easier to live with.

Anyway that's just some of my thoughts for today....

Today I am thankful for my friends

I realised something today, something good! I actually have quite a few friends at the moment, you know the in real life type friends not just facebook ones lol

It wasn't that many years ago where I felt like I literally had no real friends and boy was it lonely and a hard time. I know that over the years things have happened like friends moving away and I know I withdrew from most of my friends when Jack was little and I didn't know what was going on with him and so never knew what was going to set off a meltdown or behaviour. Thankfully he was diagnosed with Aspergers and could get early intervention and support and so he keeps on improving but he will always have Aspergers and have challenges, especially when it comes to social interaction.

Then of course my marriage break down happened and that was a really lonely and hard time for me. Thank God for my sister Sally and her partner Beth, without them both I seriously don't know how I will have made it through that time. The amount of time I rang Sal in tears because I was so lonely.

So I decided I needed to do something about it. I started by making friends with one of the other mum's at school. We are still friends and she is such a lovely lady. Her and her husband have been so great to me and my kids. They are really great with Jack and he loves them. It was nice to make friends with her too as she knew no one else in my life, so I knew I could totally trust her with things I said without her running to someone else and saying what I have said and that's has been a breath of fresh air in my life.

I have made a few more friends over the past couple of years. I am really grateful for them to. When I say friends, I mean the type you can ring and text, the type you go and do stuff with, like go to the movies, go out, go on playdates with your kids.
As lovely as facebook friends are, in real life friends that you can actually do stuff with are just awesome!

I have met some friends through karaoke that I am getting to know better and that has been great. Makes me love karaoke even more lol

I am actually quite a shy person and so making friends isn't something that comes easy to me, so it's great I have been able to and having the courage to put myself out there.

So even though I have been feeling a bit down about things at the moment and life can feel so complicated and messy, it's makes everything not feel so bad, knowing I have good friends who love me and support me and I love them and try and support them to.

What do women want? Well I know what I want!

I haven't written in my blog for a while so thought I should write something....

Well what's been going on? I was happily single and then met someone when I wasn't even looking and it was nice for a little while but it didn't last so that's the end of that story...so single again and gone back to just living my life and focusing on my kids and I.

Because I discovered this year I really don't "need" a man but it would be nice to want one to share my life with but after this last experience I really don't know when that's going to happen again. I am trying not to close my heart off but it's hard when I am open and let people into my life only to have my honesty and openness thrown in my face and not appreciated.

See I am honest about the person I am and what I want but apparently a lot of men don't seem to like that, they just want some pathetic doormat who says yes sir no sir or some bullshit like that. Oh they say they want you to be honest with them but when it comes to the crunch and you actually are...they treat you like you are a bitch.

Anyone who really knows me knows the majority of the time I am a nice person, and I hate hurting people's feelings but I have got to the point I know what I want from a relationship and I won't settle for bad treatment.

So what do I want you ask? I want someone who treats me with respect and is nice to me, someone who doesn't expect things of me that they aren't willing to do them self. (Double standards really make me cranky). Someone who doesn't want to borrow money off me all the time (do I look like a bank to you! lol. Someone who likes me for me and accepts me for me and doesn't want me to change into some step ford wife. I want to be loved (of course I don't expect this from day one, as I know love takes time), I want to be cared about and thought about and thought of. I want to be listened to. I am not materialistic but I love being given flowers and you can buy bunches of them for $10....really $10 isn't much is it lol Oh and I want to be taken out on dates to the movies, to lunch etc (And I don't expect the man to pay all the time, we can both pay, or maybe he pays one time, I pay the next etc)

I am a really giving person and I love giving but not if I feel I am being used, abused, taken for granted or not appreciated. When I am in a relationship I give everything I possibly can to the other person (and of course I am a single mum so my kids come first) I think about them and worry about them. I care about them, I listen to them, I want to love them. Because I am already a single mother and that's exhausting, I can find being in a relationship exhausting because I give as much as I possibly can and all I want is the person to give in return. An equal relationship where we both give, both care for each other, both are there for each other etc I don't believe this is to much to ask for and if a man thinks it is, then he is not the man for me. I figure if a man is really into me he will want to give to me as well and be there for me to but heck maybe I am just crazy.

The hopeful part in me thinks that someone out there is the right person for me....but who the heck knows where or when I will meet them. So I am not going to sit around waiting for them, I am just going to keep on living my life.

I know real love takes time, and it's nothing like those romantic movies (yes as much I would love Hugh Jackman to come and sweep me off my feet, unfortunately he is married already...sigh). I don't expect perfection because goodness knows I am a flawed person myself, with my own quirks and baggage just like every other person in the world.

I just figure it will be two imperfect people but that we will be perfect for each other. There will be good and bad times but we will love each other enough to make it through them.

So even though I am going back to not looking for a man and even though I feel like putting a wall up...I know I can't do that. So my heart will remain open and I will keep being myself. In my heart I can't help but believe one day, some day there will be the person to share my life and heart with because I can't have all this love in my heart just waiting to be given to someone for nothing.

Mother's Day for me

Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for me and I am actually thankful for that as there was a time before Jack and Bella where Mother's Day was close to being a day that was like hell on earth for me....

Most people know that my first baby son William died during labour when I was 9 months pregnant in 2000. So until I had Jack in 2005, Mother's Day was just another horrible day to add even more of a reminder of what I had lost (which didn't go away any other day but days like this made it worse). It was also horrible as many people didn't recognise I was a Mother because my baby had died (I don't exactly know how that cancels me out being a mother but to some people it does!). Ironically during those years one of the nicest things someone said to me on Mother's Day was Happy Mothers Day! Even though it wasn't a happy day for me, the fact they recognised that I am a mother and the loss of my son meant a lot to me.

Fast forward to what Mother's Day is like for me now and it is a joyful day but it is always tinged with sadness as it makes me miss William. It makes me think about what he would have been like, what would he have looked like now, what my life would have been like had he lived. He would have been 11 this year and I know people with 11 year old sons and many times when I see those boys it makes me wonder about if William would have been that tall and what colour hair would he have? What would his laugh sound like and what would his smile look like,and this is when it sometimes still gets me as I feel teary typing these things now. Because all I have is what if's and what could have been. I have some physical things like photos of him etc but they seem like such a small amount of things to remember him by and my memories are small as well.

I will never forget holding him in my arms, holding onto his little hand and singing to him, the song I always sang to him when he was in his belly. I will never forget how it made completely no sense to my heart or mind how this perfect looking baby could not be alive....

Nearly 11 years on somethings can still be hard to read or watch. I read a story the other day about a baby who had died during labour and had been dead for 30 Min's and then they tried some radical treatment of freezing the baby and the baby had lived and not had a disability. It was a miracle and even after all these years reading that made me think well where was my miracle...I didn't get a miracle with my son.

I know if I dwell on things like that it could make me a bitter person, so I don't. I let myself have that moment and then I move on but those moments still happen sometimes.

I guess I am writing all this so people may have a little insight on what it is like to have your baby die (notice I said "a little"). That even though I have gotten on with my life and I am happy in my life, William's loss will always be with me. He has a spot in my heart that no other child can replace. I love Jack and Bella so much but they didn't replace William. As any parent knows you could never forget one of your children as they are in your heart forever.

I am extremely grateful that I have Jack and Bella and they really do make me so happy (and sometimes make me want to pull my hair out in frustration lol) and I love that I get to be their Mother.

But I will always be William's mother as well.

I had a dream once....

I had a dream once...a belief. I believed that on my wedding day because I meant my vows that it meant I would keep them always, divorce would never be a word I need to use except jokingly.

In fact I was never one of those girls who dreamed of getting married...I was the girl who never wanted to get married because of all the failed marriages I saw or marriages that seem liked the people in them stayed for many reasons but none of them love or wanting...they didn't seem happy....

I didn't know that falling in love with someone would make you want to marry them...I know that might sound quite dumb but I just never imagined feeling that I would ever want to get married but I did.

I am writing all this because today it's 12 months since I separated from my husband and so that's means as of today I can get legally divorced from him.

I can be honest and say that this time last year I was angry and upset and probably bitter about things and I thought that when this day came I would be rushing out to get a divorce, that I would have some divorce party to celebrate my "freedom".....

But 12 months on and I sit here writing this crying because I still can't believe this...because when you strip away the hurt, the anger, the bitterness all I feel is so sad that it has come to this. That something that started so full of love and hope ending up going this way.

I know some people will think wow this is really odd coming from her. She did the wrong thing, left her husband, then literally jumped into another relationship, so happy and easy to move on for her....

Everyone should know nothing is ever what it seems and you never know what goes on behind closed doors. The amount of fights I had with my new partner because "I needed to let go of my husband..." The fight because I couldn't bring myself to take down the wedding photo in my house....the fact I probably did only to stop the fighting.... The times I cried and cried and cried and cried and yet still cry! The many times I had second doubts and wondered have I done the right thing...

But hang on you say, weren't you so unhappy in your marriage, didn't you tell me all the things he did wrong. Yes I was unhappy and yes he did things wrong but I did things wrong to. But 12 months is a long time to think and put things in perspective.

The truth is there are so many times I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. Today is one of those days....

I never thought I would ever want to get married but when I got married it was with the intent of never divorcing. I was always of the belief you did everything and anything to save your marriage before you left and I did feel like I did try my best and my everything to save the marriage...but did I do everything I could have......

There are just so many thoughts and feelings going on in me I hope this all ends up making some sort of sense but it may not.

I guess it's because I had a dream when I got married and the dream was it would last forever, the rest of my life and now I have to find a way to let go of the dream and accept the reality that unfortunately this dream didn't come true.

Sure this last 12 months has been empowering knowing I can do things for myself, I don't need a man etc I have grown and learnt a lot. Other dreams are coming true like I am getting to study what I want. I am discovering what I really want and who I want to be. I am getting to do things I want to to do as well. To see myself as a person as well as mother...

It's like some of the lyrics in one of the "Wicked" songs goes : Cause getting your dreams, it's strange but it's a bit complicated, there's a kind of, sort of cost...there's a couple of things get lost...

I am thankful that 12 months on that even after everything that somehow Craig and I are friends now.

It does perplex me at this time that I am the one who left the marriage and yet at this time can't stop tearing up at the mention of getting a divorce...I mean seriously what is wrong with me......I really don't think I can write anything more at this time.

2 years ago

2 years ago today my much loved Grandma Mia died. 2 years is a long time right? Today it doesn't feel that long. I still miss her so much and she has left such a hole in my life not being here anymore. There are times when I still miss her so badly it feels like my heart actually physically aches.

There are so many things I have wished since that day two years ago. I wish I didn't take her granted. I wish I didn't get so easily annoyed at her sometimes and snap at her. I wish I hadn't of avoided her at times when I was angry at her....oh how I wish.

I told her often that I loved her and always thanked her for the things she did for me but I still hope to this day that my she knew how much I loved her (love her). Her death was a shock to us all even though she was in hospital at the time, even though it was suspected to be bowel cancer because this was Mia! Mia wasn't ever going to die, she was always going to be around.....

My grandma was one of the strongest and toughest women I have ever known. She wasn't perfect but who cares she was still the best grandma ever as far as I am concerned. She was loving and was giving. She was always there for her family. Although there was no point ever arguing with her because she was always right lol

My grandma was the one constant throughout my whole life. I didn't have a stable upbringing, I lived in many different places, with many different relatives but she was always there for me throughout it all. Which is why it hurts to remember how harsh I was with her at times and yet she always forgave me, it never stopped me being her favourite lol

I love when I get together with other family members and we talk about Mia and laugh about the funny things she did at times. It's nice being able to remember with a smile and not just tears.

Ever since she has died this place that I have called home for so long, hasn't felt the same, it just doesn't quite feel like home anymore, how can it she isn't here anymore. Even now when I drive near where she use to live, I still look in....

I am grateful that I spent a lot of time with her in her last months, especially seeing as I didn't know they would be her last months. It makes me sad though that Jack and Bella won't remember her. Jack loved Mia! We use to go there every Thursday afternoon and as soon as we got there he would go to the freezer and get a cup of ice as he knew Mia was going to give him a cordial lol

Jack did remember her for months, because for months and I mean months every Thursday afternoon he would ask if we were going to Mia's....but now I can show him her photo and he will ask who is that? So I plan to keep telling him about her and how much she loved us.

I always knew when Mia died I would miss her so much, but I didn't realise it would be this much...... Love you always Mia xox