I had a dream once....

I had a dream once...a belief. I believed that on my wedding day because I meant my vows that it meant I would keep them always, divorce would never be a word I need to use except jokingly.

In fact I was never one of those girls who dreamed of getting married...I was the girl who never wanted to get married because of all the failed marriages I saw or marriages that seem liked the people in them stayed for many reasons but none of them love or wanting...they didn't seem happy....

I didn't know that falling in love with someone would make you want to marry them...I know that might sound quite dumb but I just never imagined feeling that I would ever want to get married but I did.

I am writing all this because today it's 12 months since I separated from my husband and so that's means as of today I can get legally divorced from him.

I can be honest and say that this time last year I was angry and upset and probably bitter about things and I thought that when this day came I would be rushing out to get a divorce, that I would have some divorce party to celebrate my "freedom".....

But 12 months on and I sit here writing this crying because I still can't believe this...because when you strip away the hurt, the anger, the bitterness all I feel is so sad that it has come to this. That something that started so full of love and hope ending up going this way.

I know some people will think wow this is really odd coming from her. She did the wrong thing, left her husband, then literally jumped into another relationship, so happy and easy to move on for her....

Everyone should know nothing is ever what it seems and you never know what goes on behind closed doors. The amount of fights I had with my new partner because "I needed to let go of my husband..." The fight because I couldn't bring myself to take down the wedding photo in my house....the fact I probably did only to stop the fighting.... The times I cried and cried and cried and cried and yet still cry! The many times I had second doubts and wondered have I done the right thing...

But hang on you say, weren't you so unhappy in your marriage, didn't you tell me all the things he did wrong. Yes I was unhappy and yes he did things wrong but I did things wrong to. But 12 months is a long time to think and put things in perspective.

The truth is there are so many times I wish I could go back in time and do things differently. Today is one of those days....

I never thought I would ever want to get married but when I got married it was with the intent of never divorcing. I was always of the belief you did everything and anything to save your marriage before you left and I did feel like I did try my best and my everything to save the marriage...but did I do everything I could have......

There are just so many thoughts and feelings going on in me I hope this all ends up making some sort of sense but it may not.

I guess it's because I had a dream when I got married and the dream was it would last forever, the rest of my life and now I have to find a way to let go of the dream and accept the reality that unfortunately this dream didn't come true.

Sure this last 12 months has been empowering knowing I can do things for myself, I don't need a man etc I have grown and learnt a lot. Other dreams are coming true like I am getting to study what I want. I am discovering what I really want and who I want to be. I am getting to do things I want to to do as well. To see myself as a person as well as mother...

It's like some of the lyrics in one of the "Wicked" songs goes : Cause getting your dreams, it's strange but it's a bit complicated, there's a kind of, sort of cost...there's a couple of things get lost...

I am thankful that 12 months on that even after everything that somehow Craig and I are friends now.

It does perplex me at this time that I am the one who left the marriage and yet at this time can't stop tearing up at the mention of getting a divorce...I mean seriously what is wrong with me......I really don't think I can write anything more at this time.

2 years ago

2 years ago today my much loved Grandma Mia died. 2 years is a long time right? Today it doesn't feel that long. I still miss her so much and she has left such a hole in my life not being here anymore. There are times when I still miss her so badly it feels like my heart actually physically aches.

There are so many things I have wished since that day two years ago. I wish I didn't take her granted. I wish I didn't get so easily annoyed at her sometimes and snap at her. I wish I hadn't of avoided her at times when I was angry at her....oh how I wish.

I told her often that I loved her and always thanked her for the things she did for me but I still hope to this day that my she knew how much I loved her (love her). Her death was a shock to us all even though she was in hospital at the time, even though it was suspected to be bowel cancer because this was Mia! Mia wasn't ever going to die, she was always going to be around.....

My grandma was one of the strongest and toughest women I have ever known. She wasn't perfect but who cares she was still the best grandma ever as far as I am concerned. She was loving and was giving. She was always there for her family. Although there was no point ever arguing with her because she was always right lol

My grandma was the one constant throughout my whole life. I didn't have a stable upbringing, I lived in many different places, with many different relatives but she was always there for me throughout it all. Which is why it hurts to remember how harsh I was with her at times and yet she always forgave me, it never stopped me being her favourite lol

I love when I get together with other family members and we talk about Mia and laugh about the funny things she did at times. It's nice being able to remember with a smile and not just tears.

Ever since she has died this place that I have called home for so long, hasn't felt the same, it just doesn't quite feel like home anymore, how can it she isn't here anymore. Even now when I drive near where she use to live, I still look in....

I am grateful that I spent a lot of time with her in her last months, especially seeing as I didn't know they would be her last months. It makes me sad though that Jack and Bella won't remember her. Jack loved Mia! We use to go there every Thursday afternoon and as soon as we got there he would go to the freezer and get a cup of ice as he knew Mia was going to give him a cordial lol

Jack did remember her for months, because for months and I mean months every Thursday afternoon he would ask if we were going to Mia's....but now I can show him her photo and he will ask who is that? So I plan to keep telling him about her and how much she loved us.

I always knew when Mia died I would miss her so much, but I didn't realise it would be this much...... Love you always Mia xox