I haven't written in my blog for a while so thought I should write something....
Well what's been going on? I was happily single and then met someone when I wasn't even looking and it was nice for a little while but it didn't last so that's the end of that story...so single again and gone back to just living my life and focusing on my kids and I.
Because I discovered this year I really don't "need" a man but it would be nice to want one to share my life with but after this last experience I really don't know when that's going to happen again. I am trying not to close my heart off but it's hard when I am open and let people into my life only to have my honesty and openness thrown in my face and not appreciated.
See I am honest about the person I am and what I want but apparently a lot of men don't seem to like that, they just want some pathetic doormat who says yes sir no sir or some bullshit like that. Oh they say they want you to be honest with them but when it comes to the crunch and you actually are...they treat you like you are a bitch.
Anyone who really knows me knows the majority of the time I am a nice person, and I hate hurting people's feelings but I have got to the point I know what I want from a relationship and I won't settle for bad treatment.
So what do I want you ask? I want someone who treats me with respect and is nice to me, someone who doesn't expect things of me that they aren't willing to do them self. (Double standards really make me cranky). Someone who doesn't want to borrow money off me all the time (do I look like a bank to you! lol. Someone who likes me for me and accepts me for me and doesn't want me to change into some step ford wife. I want to be loved (of course I don't expect this from day one, as I know love takes time), I want to be cared about and thought about and thought of. I want to be listened to. I am not materialistic but I love being given flowers and you can buy bunches of them for $10....really $10 isn't much is it lol Oh and I want to be taken out on dates to the movies, to lunch etc (And I don't expect the man to pay all the time, we can both pay, or maybe he pays one time, I pay the next etc)
I am a really giving person and I love giving but not if I feel I am being used, abused, taken for granted or not appreciated. When I am in a relationship I give everything I possibly can to the other person (and of course I am a single mum so my kids come first) I think about them and worry about them. I care about them, I listen to them, I want to love them. Because I am already a single mother and that's exhausting, I can find being in a relationship exhausting because I give as much as I possibly can and all I want is the person to give in return. An equal relationship where we both give, both care for each other, both are there for each other etc I don't believe this is to much to ask for and if a man thinks it is, then he is not the man for me. I figure if a man is really into me he will want to give to me as well and be there for me to but heck maybe I am just crazy.
The hopeful part in me thinks that someone out there is the right person for me....but who the heck knows where or when I will meet them. So I am not going to sit around waiting for them, I am just going to keep on living my life.
I know real love takes time, and it's nothing like those romantic movies (yes as much I would love Hugh Jackman to come and sweep me off my feet, unfortunately he is married already...sigh). I don't expect perfection because goodness knows I am a flawed person myself, with my own quirks and baggage just like every other person in the world.
I just figure it will be two imperfect people but that we will be perfect for each other. There will be good and bad times but we will love each other enough to make it through them.
So even though I am going back to not looking for a man and even though I feel like putting a wall up...I know I can't do that. So my heart will remain open and I will keep being myself. In my heart I can't help but believe one day, some day there will be the person to share my life and heart with because I can't have all this love in my heart just waiting to be given to someone for nothing.
