Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for me and I am actually thankful for that as there was a time before Jack and Bella where Mother's Day was close to being a day that was like hell on earth for me....
Most people know that my first baby son William died during labour when I was 9 months pregnant in 2000. So until I had Jack in 2005, Mother's Day was just another horrible day to add even more of a reminder of what I had lost (which didn't go away any other day but days like this made it worse). It was also horrible as many people didn't recognise I was a Mother because my baby had died (I don't exactly know how that cancels me out being a mother but to some people it does!). Ironically during those years one of the nicest things someone said to me on Mother's Day was Happy Mothers Day! Even though it wasn't a happy day for me, the fact they recognised that I am a mother and the loss of my son meant a lot to me.
Fast forward to what Mother's Day is like for me now and it is a joyful day but it is always tinged with sadness as it makes me miss William. It makes me think about what he would have been like, what would he have looked like now, what my life would have been like had he lived. He would have been 11 this year and I know people with 11 year old sons and many times when I see those boys it makes me wonder about if William would have been that tall and what colour hair would he have? What would his laugh sound like and what would his smile look like,and this is when it sometimes still gets me as I feel teary typing these things now. Because all I have is what if's and what could have been. I have some physical things like photos of him etc but they seem like such a small amount of things to remember him by and my memories are small as well.
I will never forget holding him in my arms, holding onto his little hand and singing to him, the song I always sang to him when he was in his belly. I will never forget how it made completely no sense to my heart or mind how this perfect looking baby could not be alive....
Nearly 11 years on somethings can still be hard to read or watch. I read a story the other day about a baby who had died during labour and had been dead for 30 Min's and then they tried some radical treatment of freezing the baby and the baby had lived and not had a disability. It was a miracle and even after all these years reading that made me think well where was my miracle...I didn't get a miracle with my son.
I know if I dwell on things like that it could make me a bitter person, so I don't. I let myself have that moment and then I move on but those moments still happen sometimes.
I guess I am writing all this so people may have a little insight on what it is like to have your baby die (notice I said "a little"). That even though I have gotten on with my life and I am happy in my life, William's loss will always be with me. He has a spot in my heart that no other child can replace. I love Jack and Bella so much but they didn't replace William. As any parent knows you could never forget one of your children as they are in your heart forever.
I am extremely grateful that I have Jack and Bella and they really do make me so happy (and sometimes make me want to pull my hair out in frustration lol) and I love that I get to be their Mother.
But I will always be William's mother as well.
